#3

Archetypes of Football's Next Monomyth:

Champion's League Final Considerations

 

 Football  as (an Imperfect) War Metaphor

Nowadays, the the number of kids that dream of being war heroes is not even in the same ballpark as those that dream of being sports heroes. If there was ever a figurative 'battle for the minds of the youth' between these two hero-camps, it's at least four generations finished. Sports can thank a series of inglorious wars for that.

In an Indiana University School of Health survey, they found that more than fifty percent of male role models were athletes. In many other, less surveyed, football-crazier countries, the figure could very well be significantly higher.

Historically speaking, sports were both preparation for, and a metaphor for, war. Yet while the legendary heroes of ancient epics needed to actually don armor and wield lethal weapons in the face of grave danger, the modern hero need only kit up, do something notable involving some shape of ball on some field or court of play, and face the media pressure.

As football in particular is concerned, the reason this metaphor often becomes unsatisfactory is the egregious diving we're all very familiar with. Athletes have become such such promotional opportunities, that they slip out of their soldier's mold and it becomes necessary to 'protect' them, both refs and hero-worshipers alike.

These "stars" are also means for even more powerful interests. While they roll around on the ground and bring the camera to a standstill, our flat screens display both their histrionics and their advertisements.

With football's yearly apex days away, many, neutral football purists wish for a match to transcend this rut of the beautiful game's, a match not defined by the most-sponsored player diving the most convincingly, but by the eternally heroic act, something which hovers above both sport and at least the idea of war.

Enter Joseph Campbell

Joseph Campbell has written thousands of pages about the hero quest cycle and its myriad manifestations in every nook, cranny and metropolis the world over, but if this aspect of his work were to be summarized in just one verb, it would be: transcend.

Or one sentence:

"A hero ventures forth from the world of common day into a region of supernatural wonder: fabulous forces are there encountered and a decisive victory is won: the hero comes back from this mysterious adventure with the power to bestow boons on his fellow man."

Campbell's biggest idea is that many of the world's traditional tales from every epoch of humanity can basically be boiled down to one, essentially human formula. Aping James Joyce's term, he anoints: 'the monomyth.'  In his most famous book, The Hero With A Thousand Faces, he goes on to posit that all the world's religions, currently and in history, are also culturally specific representations or "masks" of the same transcendent truth.

This idea has had far-reaching cultural influence, shaping the impressionable minds of billions of movie goers. If you were to name the ten most-viewed epic films of the last quarter century, chances are the brain behind them was at one point entranced by monomyth. Author of The Writer's Journey: Mythic Structure for Writers, Christopher Vogel, impressively deconstructs "The Matrix" using Campbell's concept of the monomyth. George Lucas and Peter Jackson are as meticulously faithful as the Wachowski brothers.

Bayern vs Chelsea in Archetypical Elements

So making the pleasant assumption that Saturday's game will be epic, how would this Champions League Final boil down to its monomythical elements?

To one place, five people and two objects:

1. Homestead - Where the hero is from before transcendence. In this case, ironically, the (fingers crossed) site of the transcendent moment as well.
2. Protagonist
3. Primary Obstacle/Adversary
4. Donor - He/she/it who gives the hero a crucial gift, or has a 'gift' taken/stolen from them by the hero
5. Gift - What the donor offers/relinquishes
6. False Hero - The pretender
7. Antagonist
8. Boon - The transcendent something which the hero returns with

(In an effort to avoid bias--although I will choose a hero--unlike myths the archtypes may come from either side of this spectacle, Bayern Munich or Chelsea F.C.)

 THE HOMESTEAD: ALLIANZ ARENA

I'm iced like crazy.

Allianz Arena, a.k.a. Schlauchboot (The Floating Boat), is where it will go down this Saturday. It seats just under 70,000 spectators, and is covered in diamond metal panels that can reflect red, white, or blue. Its Swiss architects built this "temple of football" to be the icon of all icons.

THE PROTAGONIST: ARJEN ROBBEN

Why do teams trade me, I may be the best winger on the planet?

OK, so admitted he's not exactly Cu Chullain incarnated or the heir to Beowolf or anything (and btw he plays for Bayern now, is married with children and a due to premature balding looks more like thirty-eight than twenty-eight), but he is blatantly the most fitting hero of this contest. Arjen Robben has enough narrative material surrounding him to focus the spectacle for any neutral spectator. He has formidable heroic pedigree earned in a former Champions League campaign, he defeated a former coach and team in the semis, and now he faces another former team, both of which sold him away.

Two years ago, during Bayern's deep Champions League run which was extinguished by Jose Mourinho's Inter in the final, Robben scored two of the more clutch goals in recent Champion's League History, both in the waning minutes of two-leg affairs, both which took his team from the brink of elimination through to the next round. This one was against Fiorentina in the round of sixteen, and this one finish off heavy favorite Man U. in the very next, quarter final round. Neither of these ever get old to watch.

"When I go on a run I don't know where it will end," says the prancy winger. A well-placed-yet-booming left-footed drive is usually the intended outcome, through a window that's hard to believe exists even after you watch the footage.

During the series against Real, Robben was tactful in defeating his old coach, the infamous Jose Mourinho.  Despite their history of on-field--sometimes during the game--hugging, Mourinho had this jibe at him during their fixture, through a spokesman:

"Jose has always said it: Arjen simply lacks character, and the absolute will to win...After the smallest knock he could not play, and Jose had to let him go."

The hypocrisy of attacking someone's character through a spokesman, btw, is extreme, yet in the final Robben did something to betray his enigmatic qualities. He opted out of a penalty in the shoot-out. He explains:

"Casillas and I know each other as we've played together for two years. And it's more difficult to take a second spot kick. That's why I didn't take another one."

Matter-of-fact as his explanation may sound, going against one of the world's three best keepers after having given him a look at your approach decreases the normal statistical advantage of the penalty taker considerably, and it takes a protagonist with rare common sense to apprehend this. Just ask the game's other potential protagonist, Christiano Ronaldo, who, facing another of the game's three best keepers for a second time, made the converse decision.

Finally, Robben, who has never fared higher than 14th in the FIFA World Player of the Year voting despite leading both his club and country within a game of their utmost glory in the same year, faces his other former team: Chelsea, the final, bus-shaped obstacle across Robben's road to redemption.

THE PRIMARY OBSTACLE/ADVERSARY: JOSE MOURINHO

Somebody please handcuff me for extreme hypocrisy?

The self-nicknamed "Special One," was apparently circumvented in the semifinal along with his frequently thuggish overdogs.

THE DONOR: ROBERTO DI MATTEO

Di Matteo thinks, smugly: 'I can give greater gifts.'

Matteo took over for the fiery Andres "DVD" Villas-Boas and it is unclear whether he or the re-empowered veterans have guided their improbable run to the finals of this competition, but he did re-bestow one clear gift upon Chelsea...

THE GIFT: THE 4-2-3-1

 A formation that has only recently joined the 4-4-2 and the 4-3-3 as the commonest of formations, it was employed by three of the four semifinalists, with Barca the only exception. Formerly introduced by aforementioned ex-Blues coach Mourinho, Di-Mateo having re-bestowed it has formidably improved Chelsea's defensive organization, while befitting them offensively with its bend toward the type of counter-attacking offense that had been their hallmark.

On defense, against dangerous opponents, Di Matteo's 4-2-3-1 morphs into something resembling a parked blue bus. For the sake of the spectacle and the pride of English football, let's hope Di Matteo does not utilize this cunning strategy a third time running or else he should have been named the game's antagonist.

THE FALSE HERO(ES): TALES OF TWO FRANKS

 Frank Ribery is slightly more durable and quite possibly more skillful than Robben. He has carried Bayern at times this year--especially during an overwhelmingly successful early-season stretch amidst a slew of key injuries.

Yet if he was the true protagonist, why would he bitterly sucker-punch his own teammate in the right eye over a dead ball? Is that what protagonists do, or frustrated, jealous pretenders?

Robben's productivity (they've both netted twelve goals but Ribery has started 50% more games), his Champion's League pedigree (Did I mention Robben has netted 34 times in the Champions League) and his consistency across club and country outfits mark him as slightly more suitable for alpha-dog status, despite Ribery's formidable abilities.

If there was a question between the two though, it was answered at least temporarily by who punched who. The interesting and again enigmatic thing about the incident was that Robben was actually suggesting a third player, Tony Kroos, take the kick...

False hero is a role Frank Lampard should be used to playing, as he has--in my opinion--been playing this role for the England national team for the better part of a decade. The fact that tactically-savvy Roy Hodgson has just awarded England's 2012 Euro captaincy to the would-be hero of the better part of the same last decade, Steven Gerrard, probably spells the end of Lampard's strangle-hold on this indistinction for country.

A heady, aware player with plenty of knack who has both a great scoring record as well as a well-lofted chip, Lampard has a tendency to turn into mashed potatoes on the field when big games arrive at their scrappy, physical climaxes. Against German opposition, this type of ending to this type of game is to be expected.

THE ANTAGONIST: DIDIER DROGBA

While I roll around on the turf clutching parts of my body that no defender came close to touching, check out my new Adidas Predator boots with 'Lethal Zones,' available to humans in the coming months says my agent who is also human.

I'm not sure J. K. Rowling has succeeded in coming up with a more villainous name than "Didier Drogba." He is a prodigious diver, even more so than Robben--remember our imperfect metaphor, the heroes and villains both dive in this game.

A late first half Drogba goal to begin the scoring and unnerve the crowd could be Chelsea's vets last chance to be able to grab, pump and then kiss the elusive, silvery boon.

THE BOON: THE 2012 CHAMPIONS LEAGUE CUP

At home within the homestead.

-posted by A. R. McKenna

#2

Between the Legs of the Champions League Semifinals:

"Los Indisciplinados" and Don't Think Twice, Di Matteo will Park the Blue Bus

It seems after the first leg, that Real Madrid and Chelsea are returning, or have returned, respectively, to the 'mean.'

Real Madrid's new nickname should be "Los Indisciplinados," because it seems whenever they are involved in a game with high stakes against a team as good or better, the impression they leave is not one of tactical creativity or offensive prowess or even strength on defense, but that they are simply more willing to crudely hack opposing teams' players down.

Chelsea, on the other hand, have washed their hands of a drawn out 'coach with interesting ideas' vs 'unreceptive veterans' conflict and have reverted to lobbing the ball to one of the surely more physically opposing divers ever to play the sport. Watching a Chelsea game has returned to the 'bad old days' of chronic screen shots of Drogba writhing around on the pitch interspersed with shots of
Lampard furrowing his brow as he readies for a predictable free kick.

REAL MADRID vs BAYERN MUNICH: Nicknames and Violence

"Los Indisciplinados"

Once upon a time Zidane's "Galacticos," perhaps "Los Indisciplinados" is about as fitting for this not-so-far-'special' (although they did finally clip their rivals at home this past weekend) group. Granted, a disproportional amount of their big games are against the aforementioned, uber-talented Barca who have unleashed the inner beast in many opponents, but why, when the going gets tough, does Real hack their opponents down like a bunch talentless misfits? After all, are they not, basically, a collection of the best players money can buy, with an average annual salary of $7,356,632! This is not a scrappy, bottom of the table bunch.

In all fairness there are two main offenders, who'll I'll address shortly, but I find this pair end up often stealing their biggest shows, and threaten to steal the return leg against a Bayern side more formidable than the one who made it the Champion's League final two years ago.

In the past Mourinho's teams have been impressively resilient in the most trying of situations: down a man, playing away from home, etc. This group, however, doesn't give themselves the chance to hang in there and get that last ditch win. Call it a lack of faith; their ethos becomes polluted by cheap, nasty and often ill-timed tackles that make pretty much anyone except the staunchest, inner-fascist Meringues wince and shift any existing support away from them.

Pepe the King Prawn

The man who makes Metta World Peace look like someone...whose name has not just become, perhaps forever, a ridiculous farce. No but seriously, Pepe is just simply Képler Laveran Lima Ferreira, but this clip pretty much puts at least Ron Artest's (remember: I called his about-face name-change) latest moment of madness in good company. There is something eerily similar in terms of how wildly out-of-body enraged they both get in the moment, except the comparisons end when Pepe is able to return to his victim to try and inflict more damage twice. Once while pretending to console his punch/pushed down, twice-intentionally kicked victim, and the other after slap/punching two of his victim's interceding teammates out of the way.

I see Pepe as Real's on-field leader. This is is a problem.

Marcelo does not deserve his own, infamous sub-title if Pepe is setting the standard for sub-titles, but for Marcelo to fall under the heading "Los Indisciplinados" would not be tragic. Also prone to extremely physical, sometimes irrational play, he's perhaps more prone to being wildly out of position, even when he's not fresh off a foraying run.

Brought on in the sixty-ninth minute as a wing midfielder in the first leg, he was pretty much a lost cause, but yet Real haven't fully been able to contain his indiscipline enough to start him in his natural position, leaving Fabio "El Fumador" Coentrao (finally in favor after a lengthy stay in the doghouse for smoking on his birthday) trying to contain the ever-frisky Robben. He was almost exposed a number of times by his charge, and then Phillip Lahm completely undid him like a fresh boxer stepping into the ring with one already bloodied, leaving El Fumador wobbly as the winner was finished off.

For obvious reasons, Marcelo's lower center of gravity, his lung capacity (haha), his physicality, raw speed and attacking perks would have made him a far more ideal choice to contain "The Flying Dutchman," but how much can you trust the obviously undisciplined?

What it comes down to is that many times with Real their indiscipline outshines their offense. I ask you: has Pepe been dirtier in big games of Mourinho's reign than Christiano Ronaldo has been dominant? Has Marcelo been more of a total liability of a loose cannon than Ozil a sunken-eyed, understated offensive maestro?

With Mourhino's Madrid it comes down to a question of identity, perhaps a crisis of identity.
Real took a huge step in the right direction on Saturday with Ronaldo's after-goal Nou Camp 'shush' becoming the main memory (instead of Alonso's chicken-headed 93rd minute challenge of Messi, which was a distant second).

I'm not convinced Mourinho is the one to blame--despite his own antics since arriving at the Bernabau--for the ruthlessness of some of his players with a prior history of...ruthlessness. His projects take a while to materialize, and what remains to be seen, is if Real Madrid's indisciplinados will allow this team to materialize so that "The Special One's" ( I couldn't avoid it) back-against-the-wall trademark grittiness can manifest itself against a team whose wingers are the best in the business.

Btw, it can't be skipped with all this talk of extra-curricular violence that "Best in the Business" Ribery stabbed "Best in the Business" Robben with a suburban-French sucker-punch to his eye during halftime of the first leg; they later reconciled awkardly (Look at Robben's left hand at the ready and his possibly-puffy, possibly-blinking eye).

CHELSEA vs BARCELONA: Questions and Nicknames

Does Di Matteo even know he's bluffing?

"It is too difficult to play for a goalless draw. To score would give us a greater advantage but we all know how difficult it is going to be." -Roberto Di Matteo

Wait, so it's too difficult to play for a draw, but we all know how difficult scoring will be..? I'm certainly not convinced the Blues bus parked in front of the "uefalona" goal at the Nou Camp isn't in order.

First of all, how do you attack Barca?

To his credit Di Matteo was tactically impressive in the first leg, using two potential number 10s in Lampard and Mata, one of whom can be a pesky-good positional defender (I'll not say which, as the other has to be one of the worst defenders I've seen in the post-tresquartista era). This gave Chelsea, potentially but not actually, the ability to knock the ball around a bit if they could slip away from Barca's insta-pressure.

Also, having the wiry, end-to-end Ramires help monitor his countryman, Dani "I should be Sponsored Simultaneously by Red Bull and Crack" Alves proved remarkably effective.
Giving Drogba the spotlight, though painful to watch, was obviously validated.
There have also since been numerous favorable remarks by veteran players, who, along with "The Roman," have perhaps been flirting with the idea that the Swiss-born Italian will prove more than a band-aid after the "DVD" (internal nickname for their veteran-scorned coach Andres Villas-Boas) was told he was extraneous technology.

Wait, but you didn't answer my question, how do you attack Barcelona?

Oh, right, you can't. They are guaranteed 65% of the possession and odds are they will out-pass the "Big Blue Lions" four to one. Peep this bit of football ridiculousness from the first leg, credit to the inimitable tactical hub, Zonal Marking:


Just look at how few of "The Pensioners" passes: a) began in the attacking half, and b) went forward.

You can count them on two hands! I guess lobbing long balls (to some) is technically considered attacking soccer, but most of these long balls looked more like defensive clearances than passes with any particular destination. Fortunately for them, "Dubiously Diving Didier" is a magnetic target player whose swan dives have somehow proven hypnotically persuasive to refs throughout his Chelsea career, making the laymen fan sitting on the sofa wonder: 'Do refs actually watch football in their spare time?

Will Di Matteo end up unabashedly parking the figurative blue bus and holding on for both dear professional life and a hefty bonus from The Roman currently converted to dollars @ 1,210,800?

Yes. That was easy.
 

-posted by A. R. McKenna