#2

Between the Legs of the Champions League Semifinals:

"Los Indisciplinados" and Don't Think Twice, Di Matteo will Park the Blue Bus

It seems after the first leg, that Real Madrid and Chelsea are returning, or have returned, respectively, to the 'mean.'

Real Madrid's new nickname should be "Los Indisciplinados," because it seems whenever they are involved in a game with high stakes against a team as good or better, the impression they leave is not one of tactical creativity or offensive prowess or even strength on defense, but that they are simply more willing to crudely hack opposing teams' players down.

Chelsea, on the other hand, have washed their hands of a drawn out 'coach with interesting ideas' vs 'unreceptive veterans' conflict and have reverted to lobbing the ball to one of the surely more physically opposing divers ever to play the sport. Watching a Chelsea game has returned to the 'bad old days' of chronic screen shots of Drogba writhing around on the pitch interspersed with shots of
Lampard furrowing his brow as he readies for a predictable free kick.

REAL MADRID vs BAYERN MUNICH: Nicknames and Violence

"Los Indisciplinados"

Once upon a time Zidane's "Galacticos," perhaps "Los Indisciplinados" is about as fitting for this not-so-far-'special' (although they did finally clip their rivals at home this past weekend) group. Granted, a disproportional amount of their big games are against the aforementioned, uber-talented Barca who have unleashed the inner beast in many opponents, but why, when the going gets tough, does Real hack their opponents down like a bunch talentless misfits? After all, are they not, basically, a collection of the best players money can buy, with an average annual salary of $7,356,632! This is not a scrappy, bottom of the table bunch.

In all fairness there are two main offenders, who'll I'll address shortly, but I find this pair end up often stealing their biggest shows, and threaten to steal the return leg against a Bayern side more formidable than the one who made it the Champion's League final two years ago.

In the past Mourinho's teams have been impressively resilient in the most trying of situations: down a man, playing away from home, etc. This group, however, doesn't give themselves the chance to hang in there and get that last ditch win. Call it a lack of faith; their ethos becomes polluted by cheap, nasty and often ill-timed tackles that make pretty much anyone except the staunchest, inner-fascist Meringues wince and shift any existing support away from them.

Pepe the King Prawn

The man who makes Metta World Peace look like someone...whose name has not just become, perhaps forever, a ridiculous farce. No but seriously, Pepe is just simply Képler Laveran Lima Ferreira, but this clip pretty much puts at least Ron Artest's (remember: I called his about-face name-change) latest moment of madness in good company. There is something eerily similar in terms of how wildly out-of-body enraged they both get in the moment, except the comparisons end when Pepe is able to return to his victim to try and inflict more damage twice. Once while pretending to console his punch/pushed down, twice-intentionally kicked victim, and the other after slap/punching two of his victim's interceding teammates out of the way.

I see Pepe as Real's on-field leader. This is is a problem.

Marcelo does not deserve his own, infamous sub-title if Pepe is setting the standard for sub-titles, but for Marcelo to fall under the heading "Los Indisciplinados" would not be tragic. Also prone to extremely physical, sometimes irrational play, he's perhaps more prone to being wildly out of position, even when he's not fresh off a foraying run.

Brought on in the sixty-ninth minute as a wing midfielder in the first leg, he was pretty much a lost cause, but yet Real haven't fully been able to contain his indiscipline enough to start him in his natural position, leaving Fabio "El Fumador" Coentrao (finally in favor after a lengthy stay in the doghouse for smoking on his birthday) trying to contain the ever-frisky Robben. He was almost exposed a number of times by his charge, and then Phillip Lahm completely undid him like a fresh boxer stepping into the ring with one already bloodied, leaving El Fumador wobbly as the winner was finished off.

For obvious reasons, Marcelo's lower center of gravity, his lung capacity (haha), his physicality, raw speed and attacking perks would have made him a far more ideal choice to contain "The Flying Dutchman," but how much can you trust the obviously undisciplined?

What it comes down to is that many times with Real their indiscipline outshines their offense. I ask you: has Pepe been dirtier in big games of Mourinho's reign than Christiano Ronaldo has been dominant? Has Marcelo been more of a total liability of a loose cannon than Ozil a sunken-eyed, understated offensive maestro?

With Mourhino's Madrid it comes down to a question of identity, perhaps a crisis of identity.
Real took a huge step in the right direction on Saturday with Ronaldo's after-goal Nou Camp 'shush' becoming the main memory (instead of Alonso's chicken-headed 93rd minute challenge of Messi, which was a distant second).

I'm not convinced Mourinho is the one to blame--despite his own antics since arriving at the Bernabau--for the ruthlessness of some of his players with a prior history of...ruthlessness. His projects take a while to materialize, and what remains to be seen, is if Real Madrid's indisciplinados will allow this team to materialize so that "The Special One's" ( I couldn't avoid it) back-against-the-wall trademark grittiness can manifest itself against a team whose wingers are the best in the business.

Btw, it can't be skipped with all this talk of extra-curricular violence that "Best in the Business" Ribery stabbed "Best in the Business" Robben with a suburban-French sucker-punch to his eye during halftime of the first leg; they later reconciled awkardly (Look at Robben's left hand at the ready and his possibly-puffy, possibly-blinking eye).

CHELSEA vs BARCELONA: Questions and Nicknames

Does Di Matteo even know he's bluffing?

"It is too difficult to play for a goalless draw. To score would give us a greater advantage but we all know how difficult it is going to be." -Roberto Di Matteo

Wait, so it's too difficult to play for a draw, but we all know how difficult scoring will be..? I'm certainly not convinced the Blues bus parked in front of the "uefalona" goal at the Nou Camp isn't in order.

First of all, how do you attack Barca?

To his credit Di Matteo was tactically impressive in the first leg, using two potential number 10s in Lampard and Mata, one of whom can be a pesky-good positional defender (I'll not say which, as the other has to be one of the worst defenders I've seen in the post-tresquartista era). This gave Chelsea, potentially but not actually, the ability to knock the ball around a bit if they could slip away from Barca's insta-pressure.

Also, having the wiry, end-to-end Ramires help monitor his countryman, Dani "I should be Sponsored Simultaneously by Red Bull and Crack" Alves proved remarkably effective.
Giving Drogba the spotlight, though painful to watch, was obviously validated.
There have also since been numerous favorable remarks by veteran players, who, along with "The Roman," have perhaps been flirting with the idea that the Swiss-born Italian will prove more than a band-aid after the "DVD" (internal nickname for their veteran-scorned coach Andres Villas-Boas) was told he was extraneous technology.

Wait, but you didn't answer my question, how do you attack Barcelona?

Oh, right, you can't. They are guaranteed 65% of the possession and odds are they will out-pass the "Big Blue Lions" four to one. Peep this bit of football ridiculousness from the first leg, credit to the inimitable tactical hub, Zonal Marking:


Just look at how few of "The Pensioners" passes: a) began in the attacking half, and b) went forward.

You can count them on two hands! I guess lobbing long balls (to some) is technically considered attacking soccer, but most of these long balls looked more like defensive clearances than passes with any particular destination. Fortunately for them, "Dubiously Diving Didier" is a magnetic target player whose swan dives have somehow proven hypnotically persuasive to refs throughout his Chelsea career, making the laymen fan sitting on the sofa wonder: 'Do refs actually watch football in their spare time?

Will Di Matteo end up unabashedly parking the figurative blue bus and holding on for both dear professional life and a hefty bonus from The Roman currently converted to dollars @ 1,210,800?

Yes. That was easy.
 

-posted by A. R. McKenna